I wrestle with a battle of the mind. I sin and ask God for forgiveness. He forgives me but I don’t accept it. It’s a vicious cycle that is always on repeat. I am a very black and white person, right and wrong. When I do something wrong I feel like I need to be punished. I hold on to it and let it fester in my mind, punishing myself. The enemy uses this against me all the time. He tells me lies like “look what a bad wife you are”, “look at what a bad mom you are”, “remember when you said that”, “remember when you had that impure thought”, “how could God ever forgive you”. I started to believe these lies from the enemy. I believed I didn’t deserve God’s grace and forgiveness, and it was completely exhausting. I felt this heaviness and my faith felt dry . I wasn’t allowing God in, I was allowing my sin to put up a wall between me and God. I felt depressed and alone. My soul was thirsty but I wouldn’t allow God to fill me up. Finally enough was enough. I NEEDED to accept God’s forgiveness, my soul needed me to be filled with his Grace. We all sin and fall short of his glory. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He is the only one that is perfect, I am not nor will I ever be. Being able to finally accept his love, grace, and forgiveness for me felt so freeing. Like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt so alive and filled with his love. My journey with this isn’t close to being over. Daily it is a struggle but I am learning about God’s grace studying what his grace really means. He loves me unconditionally, his grace covers me.
Recently I was at church and our pastor shared this quote. It spoke volumes to me:
It’s easier to let God’s law convict than to let his gospel set free. Two great obstacles to joy are guilt and grudge: either we feel guilty about our own sin, or we bear a grudge against someone else. In each case, we fail to grasp the gospel, which teaches that both conditions are entirely unnecessary, for they can readily be healed through forgiveness- either receiving it for ourselves or extending it to another.
Forgivness, Grace, Love….this is our God.