"What's wrong?" my friend asked. I reminded her that I had my 20 week ultrasound later that day and told her I was scared.It was written all over my face, but that was nothing new, fear was something that I'd known all my life. She told me I was crazy and that I had nothing to worry about. She pointed out that she was much older than me when she had twins and there was nothing wrong with them.
But deep down I knew...
I knew when the doctor's office made me initial the paper declining the Down Syndrome marker test. I knew when I read the pamphlet explaining my risk now that I was 35 and pregnant. And I knew before I ever saw the 2 pink lines.
God knows me so well. He knew that I needed to be told little by little about His plan. He knows how fearful I can become. He knows how small my faith can be.
A few hours later, while I lay on the doctor's office table in the dark room holding Eric's hand, the fear I already knew in my heart was confirmed. But then something amazing happened... The thing I was trying so hard to control got too big for me to grasp, so I let go.
I let go of all of my fear...
Fear of what my future was going to be like. Fear of what my son's future would be like. Fear of the unknown.
And then God did the most incredible thing. Once my fear was gone, there was room for Him to do a work in me. He replaced my fear with peace.
A peace that passes all understanding. I had never experienced this kind of peace before. It was completely supernatural. I felt like I was in a dream, it was so surreal and I hope that I can eventually get to a point where I trust in Him so completely that I experience that kind of peace everyday.
He also replaced my fear with faith and hope. The Bible says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. That is pretty much the opposite of fear of the unknown. Every parent hopes for their children. For my girls I've hoped that they will go to college and do whatever they dream they can do.
At first I thought that my hopes and dreams for Eli would need to be different from my hopes for my girls, but then I realized that life is so much more than how much money you make or how high your IQ is.
When I really thought about it, my true hope for all my children is that they would have love.
And thats what God replaced my fear with and gave me above all: love.
Love for people with special needs. A deeper love for my girls who have shown incredible faith. Love for the most perfect little baby that I was allowed to kiss before he was rushed to the nicu on march 15th.
God's perfect love casts out all fear.
For me the unknown is still there. Eli's heart surgery will happen soon, and that is something I cannot control, but I can't be afraid. I have to trust.
I have no other choice because the One who created Eli's heart, still holds his heart. God loves Eli more than I ever could. He is in control, and I find so much freedom in that truth.